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Well, I spoke to Amy and she asked me to contribute to the blog since I do so well! Well I am here to tell you that I don't do so well. If you consider a having a bad body image and a low self-esteem doing good, then I am doing great. I am working on my body image and self-esteem but I still have a long ways to go. Since you all have been so open and honest, and I've taken this off my personal website, then I guess it is time for me to share. 

Growing up my mom was ALWAYS on a diet. She was always trying to lose weight, trying to look better, etc. I have to give her credit for teaching me to at least eat healthy food, but she didn't teach me anything about loving the body that God gave me. Now that I look back, I can see that she didn't know how to love her self and didn't realize what a wonderful mother God had made her. I also know now, that she had several friends that struggled with eating disorders so she was surrounded by women that hated their bodies. 

With all that said, I was always the fat kid growing up. I was one of, if not, the biggest girls in my class until the eight grade. I can remember going swimming when I was in the seventh grade and hearing one of the guys yell “Free Willy,” as I jumped off the high dive. That was the last time I ever jumped off the high dive. I can remember my mom telling me that if stopped drinking cokes and eating candy, I could lose some weight. Once I started athletics, I dropped the pounds and started to get attention from some not so nice guys. All this led me down a path that I truly regret today. I had no self esteem; I thought I was fat, very ugly, and unworthy. I also spent four years in a relationship with a guy that was emotionally abusive. Telling me any chance he had that I was a little chubby, you better not eat that, no one else will ever want you, etc…… 

So, leaving high school I had a very horrible relationship with food. I ate when I was sad, mad, scared, happy, lonely, depressed, or just bored. I didn’t eat to feed my body. I ate to avoid facing my emotional scars. My emotional eating led to binging and purging. I would eat, and eat, and eat until I could stand it. And then……..you know the rest of the story. I did this for several years off and on. During this time, I watched my sister struggle with her own eating issues and felt helpless. I didn’t know how to help because I was so lost in my own problems. I was dating Lane and we were working on building my self-esteem. I say we, because he was my life saver. He helped show me that God made me beautiful and made me for a purpose. 

Today, I can proudly say that I love myself for who I am. God me special, He made me unique, He made me for a purpose, He made ME. I still find myself looking at other women and wondering how they can be so skinny. Why can’t I lose this last 10 lbs? If only I was a little smaller, I would look so much better. These thoughts enter my mind often and I have to stop and pray. I have to start counting my blessings and refocus. I have to remember what is important. Before we started having children I prayed for all boys. I didn’t want girls. I didn’t want them to go through all the struggles I went through. I didn’t want them to face this mean and ugly world. Well, God had different plans. Plans that included 3 beautiful little girls. 

My goal is to be a Godly woman that my girls can look up to. I want them to see me taking care of my body. Not someone who is always dieting, comparing myself to others, or putting myself down. I want to be healthy. I exercise because it makes me feel better. I like to eat fruits and veggies because they make me feel good. I hate the way I feel after I eat a real fatty meal. I feel sluggish, sleepy, and gross. I currently weigh 151 lb and would like to weigh 140 lb. I am nursing so I can’t cut calories but I can exercise and make good choices. Just this morning, I was putting myself down because I still can’t wear my old jeans. Then at church, one of the ladies told me that I was looking really good. Isn’t God great! He knows my struggles and is always encouraging. Thanks for letting me share.